Manhood's Fruitful End

Totally irreverant humor, a new spin on a very old joke, not for the faint of heart or those easily offended by unusual situations. 

Standard Disclaimer in place.

Death of Characters implied, but needed for joke to work.

Thanks to JAC for the title.

Thanks to my hubby for reminding me of the joke.

Thanks to my doctor for the painkillers and muscle relaxers which lowered my inhibitions and resulted in this twisted tale.

WARNING: There may be curse words within - I'm former military, married to a cop, I used to be a deputy and if you can't handle a little swearing, avoid scrolling downward further.  If you have been warned.  To proceed beyond this point is your choice, live with it.

 

Manhood's Fruitful End

By Suisan with Tongue-In-Cheek 
Rated: Crude, Rude and Totally obnoxious.



Jim, Blair and Simon had managed to get away for an exotic vacation and decided to visit a remote Pacific island.  Unfortunately, while on a hike through the more remote, and reportedly uninhabited, part of the island they were caught by a tribe of ferocious cannibals.

The cannibals weren't all that hungry, and decided to see if their prisoners were honorable.  So the Chief of the tribe walks up to our three men and tells them, "You seem to be honorable men.  I will release you, unharmed, if you can perform a simple test of manhood."

Not seeing that they had much choice in the matter, the three men agree and are soon released from their bonds.  The Chief addresses them one last time before sending them off to start the test.  "You will each go into the jungle, my warriors will watch you to make sure you do not attempt escape, and gather ten fruit of the same type and return the camp.  When you arrive the hardest part of the test will begin.  Attempt to escape, you and your companions will die a most horrid death."

So off in the jungles traipse Jim, Blair and Simon, accompanied by the tribes swiftest warriors and before too long, they have taken different paths in search of fruit. 

Blair makes it back to the tribe's camp first, after having gathered ten, ripe, grape-like fruits that he figured weren't poisonous.  The Chief seems to be very happy to see him return and, in fact, embraces Blair in a hug when he shows the Chief the fruit he gathered.  But Blair's sense of well-being rapidly evaporates when the Chief calls two of his strongest warriors over to his side.  Before he can say, "Hey, what the heck?" the two warriors have stripped Blair naked and have forced him to bend over and grab his ankles. 

The Chief is whispering in his ear, "One of the tribe's women is about to use the fruit you picked on you in a way fruit should not be used.  Make one noise, even the slightest wince and you will die."  Blair nods that he understands the basics of the test and soon the trial begins. 

He cannot see the tribeswoman but all too soon he's feeling the slightest pressure and penetration as the unknown woman starts abusing his flesh with fruit.  One after another the tiny grape-like fruit pass into his anus until, just as the eighth one slips in, the pressure becomes too much and he lets out a small gasp. 

Blair never knew exactly what happened, just that one minute he was in the steamy jungle of a tropical island and the next he was in heaven.   He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, waiting for who-knew-what, when Jim suddenly showed up and the normally stoic detective was laughing like a loon. 

"Jim!  Man, what the heck happened?  Why are you laughing so hard?"

Eventually, Jim gathers himself, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.  "Chief, I'll admit, I thought about trying to escape our captors, come back around and rescue you and Simon, but I didn't know the lay of the land and even with my senses I knew I couldn't take the risk.  I swear I had no idea what the tribe had planned for us and that damn fruit, but I decided to play it safe.  I found ten blackberry-like fruits growing near a stream and returned to the camp with them." 

Blair nodded, appreciating Jim's loyalty to him and to their friend.  "Okay, I can see that, but why were you laughing when you showed up here?"

Jim started to smile, and it wasn't exactly what Blair would call a nice smile either.  "Well, it's like this...  I get back to the tribe, end up getting stripped, get fruit shoved up my ass all the while trying not to laugh.  The pain from the fruit wasn't bad, just kinda odd feeling."

"But..." Blair gestured for Jim to hurry up with the story.

"Well, the ninth berry had just gone in when I couldn't help myself any more and I laughed out loud.  Next thing I know, I'm here with you."

"So what had you laughing so hard?"

"Blair, when I last saw Simon, he was picking pineapples."

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